Married

In ten days we will be married 41 years. What a process. When I see young couples with firm bodies and tons of energy and full of promise I remember us. I realize to many we are just an older couple but I would like to lay down a few observations. As we become older and more invisible to others (especially the young) we are coming into a newness in our relationship. We have become like two older warriors defying the odds. We are companions in all the ups and downs of life. Life has handed us shocks and losses and we have stood. We have been through tough stages in our marriage. Periods of distance , driven by our own needs to be fulfilled rather than being selfless for the common good. We have had high times of amazing accomplishment, travel and experiences together. We have suffered losses where I wondered if I would ever get over the numb, defeated feeling inside. We have gone through periods of bickering too much because each wanted so bad to be heard. We shared the birth and raising of both kids with its joy unspeakable. We are still together both emotionally, spiritually and physically and I am so grateful. He strengthens me in every way. He cares for me and shows it by looking after all we have worked so hard to build. Nobody I know works as hard as he does. I know he is not perfect. Neither am I but I can count on him to look after, tend and care about all that is us. This gives me a lot of security knowing whatever comes, we will face it together.
What I have learned in 41 years is that relationships take a lot of thinking about your own motives. You have to deal with how self centered and self absorbed you are. Have I ever wanted to run? Yes. Has he? Yes I am sure. But we both stayed and now something inside us has slowly changed. We keep growing closer together. We are better,
stronger, more effective operating as two joined together as one. The sum is greater than the parts. Each of us is stronger individually because we are together. We make each other a better person. He's outside now cleaning gutters in the cold and damp. His walk is slower now. He's a little dinged up and slightly bent over. We both are. He has taken to wearing very unusual outfits to work in the yard. Like rubber boots and shorts with no shirt. He looks the part of a quirky old guy in those outfits. But he's my quirky old guy and I love him still.

Fall Again

I tend to dread the days of darkness ahead as summer slips into fall. Then I get a crystal clear day where the sunlight shimmers through the filter of amber and yellowish leaves and I think I can make it through one more giving up on daylight savings time.

I use to love fall but as I enter the age of "restricted driving in the dark hazards" ( I am the hazard) I know I must stay close to my Island home and surrounding area. In other words, "leave early and don't drive much after dark!" Every body in America would be safer if all the older people got a grip about this. The plus of being home earlier is that you get a ton of work done and you get to see old movies on cable. Plenty of time to make chicken and dumplings, zuchinni and banana bread and other fall specials is another plus.
Try making meatloaf and and baked potatoes and squash of any and all kinds.

And then there is the moon in fall. Nothing better than a cool, crisp, night with moon light on Puget Sound.

I wonder what it will be like when I don't have to be at work at O-dark-thirty in the fall. Now that I am 60 I find myself daydreaming about the possibilities of retirement. To dare to take a new path, go new places, take my time, plan a September trip sounds so divine.

I am starting to change my mind about the coming darkness. Instead of fall I may begin to call it the Gold Rush and savor each turning leaf and moonlit night. I will drive in the shortened daylight to somewhere beautiful with woods and shimmery light filtering through each stately turning leaf ready to give up life in a blaze of glorious color. I will savor these colors and look forward to every lovely daffodil that is a sure sign of spring.

Reflections on My Shallowness

I wait to have something worth reading and find so many of my thoughts are too trivial to waste anybodies time on. Things I am realizing about myself is that I am often shallow and self absorbed. I want to learn to become more of a listener with my heart. It is not so hard to discipline the body to listen but disciplining your inner man to really hear and feel what is inside someone elses heart is a whole other animal. I wonder if anyone else has these realizations about themselves.

I am still moved by the wonder of a childs curiosity. Children are such a wonder to behold. They awake the part of us we allow to be put to sleep by the cares of life. They are a chance to renew our outlook with new eyes.

My faith in God has been and remains the reason I am a stable, productive member of society. I am constantly aware of this. What good I do is because of His presence. Sometimes I am ineffective in communicating this. This makes me sad because I want others to know the hope I feel. I want to be an instrument of His Grace.

The Beginning and The Ending

Back in my 30s I thought everyone over 55 should be retired. Now that my age resembles these numbers I am having second thoughts. I find inside my head I am as vibrant and curious about life as ever. It's just this rebellious body of mine won't go along with what my mind wants to accomplish. Whatever happened to the energy to stay up til 1A.M. and wallpaper the bathroom?
I miss that energy. I started walking 19 months ago. 30 minutes a day. But after this short period of time one of the joints in my foot failed me. Two trips to the podiatrist later and I have little relief. My left hip gave out last week. I feel like an old , rusty Chevy. Still starts but you can't drive it very far. And for heaven's sake don't risk taking it on a long distance road trip.

This is the hardest part about getting older. The body rebells against the program. For some of you with no aches and pains, this may sound silly but for the rest of us it's just the truth.

Now for a comment on the good side of getting older. You actually have a dab more patience. You realize some things will just resolve themselves. You are more moderate. You don't sweat the small stuff as much. You have less energy, so you are often wiser how you use it. The things you believe in, your faith and values feel even more solid.

On the other hand everything takes longer. I use to be able to get ready in five minutes. Now it takes 8 minutes. The wisdom I have gained along the way is often ignored by the people I try and share it with because I think to them I am old and stuck in my ways. I am becoming invisible to many of the younger generation. The older you get I am afraid the more invisible you become. You have to turn every stinkin' light on in the house at night so you won't stub your toes or have a casualty. Driving in the rain gets trickier for sure.

So brace yourself for aging but don't be afraid because it is coming your way whether you want it or not. Don't sqaunder all that youthfull energy. Use it wisely to build a good future and if you don't need it give it to me. Remember once you become invisible there is an upside. You can forget and go to the store in your floppy slippers and nobody will notice.